What To Say?

I thought I ought to give a little backstory on writing this race report. I had several ideas about what to write. The first was The Usual Ironmen (from The Usual Suspects) with a key moment being the “POOF, and like that, I was gone.” But then I remember that the movie is basically entirely a fabrication, and as much fun as it would be to write an entire report about a race that didn’t happen, I thought that might be a bit over the top. Then I considered An American Ironman (from An American Ninja, the 80s classic starring Michale Dudikoff) since as the first American since 2006 to win an Ironman, I could imagine the Germans and Aussies imagining that Americans just don’t have the skillz to race long course anymore. But then I remembered that is a terrible movie that many people have not seen because it is terrible and therefore the whole reference would be lost. Plus there is no “boss” character with lasers that I could draw a parallel too. The movie is so absurd that it’s hard to really base anything remotely realistic off of it.

I also thought about Enter The Ironman (from Enter The Dragon), but I decided that comparing yourself to Bruce Lee for anything other than a Kona win is blasphemous. I pondered funny with Ironman Crashers (from Wedding Crashers), but realized I don’t have a sidekick. Ideas were running low… Full Iron Jacket (from Full Metal Jacket) was another thought, but I’d already used the racing-as-war metaphor with Superseal earlier in the year. I’ve done the Western thing a lot, and it just didn’t seem right for a race in Canada. Gone in Eight Hours and Twenty Five Minutes and Thirteen Seconds (from Gone in Sixty Seconds) bit the dust because I couldn’t imagine comparing myself to Nicholas Cage.

I was lost. The wheels in my brain are fortunately turning faster than they did before the race, but still, I wondered, “have I trained away my wits?” It is a distinct possibility. I thought about being literary, since the first big win always seems like the defining moment of a career arc, at least at the time, but trying to mimic a good writer is way too tough. But thinking of it as a defining moment made me think of other defining moments in my life. And that led me to think of things surrounding those moments. And that led me deeper and deeper down the well… And that should give it away right there, but you’ll have to wait just a little bit longer. Have a cup of tea while you do (and that’s as many hints as I will give).