Dominating some pretty rocks. © J. Prasuhn 2014
(Based on actual events. So names have been changed due to poor memory…)
Team Rappstar Elite Team Member Jordan “Rappstar” Rapp kicked off his 2014 season with a dominant 15th place finish that saw him besting the entire age group field and crossing the line a commanding *FOUR* minutes ahead of (women’s) winner and (women’s) course record holder Heather Wurtele. He finished a mere two minutes back of Matt Lieto who finished barely nine minutes back of Trevor Wurtele who finished only five minutes back of Sebastian Kienle who was a miniscule four minutes back of (men’s) race winner and (men’s) course record holder Jan Frodeno.
The day started off quite strong for Jordan, who saw it as a good omen when he noticed SuperCrapper-brand Port-A-Johns in transition. An ecstatic Rapp said after the race, “whenever I’ve done my pre-race business in a SuperCrapper, that always sets me up for a great day. There’s nothing quite like using single-ply t.p. by the light of your headlamp to set a tone of excellence.”
After entering Oceanside Harbor via a E-Z-Crete concrete boat ramp covered with the finest SuperStainFighter carpet, Rapp quickly established a position right in the heart of a group that was chasing a group that was chasing a group that was chasing the leaders.
Out onto the MegAsphalt roads around Camp Pendleton, though, things just didn’t click as well as they could have. A confused Rapp said, “normally, on this particular mix of tar and gravel, I really just hum along. Especially when the lines are painted with SuperBrite paint, as these were, that’s normally a recipe for course record bike splits. I’m really baffled. It was probably because I haven’t adjusted the preload on my front hub bearings in a while. Not that I’m saying it’s my fault. I’m just saying I could have broken the course record if I’d had the right size allen key with me.”
Never one to say die, at least not without a lot of Twitter-posting preceding it, Rapp headed out with great vim and vigor onto some more E-Z-Crete on the Oceanside boardwalk. But when the race turned to MegAsphalt roads winding past the Stoner Brothers Oceanfront Homes, things started to come undone. After the race, Rapp told the gathered throngs of reporters, “I saw some more SuperCrappers out there on the run course and thought about stopping in one to try and regain my mojo, but I just didn’t have to go. C’est la vie! (That’s French for, “I didn’t have to go #2.”) The slow pavement seemed to continue to drain me and shunt my energy to the rest of the field. I’ve always felt like this is a somewhat lecherous form of asphalt, and today proved it. I don’t like to make excuses or blame others, but I think it’s pretty clear that I would have won this race if the pavement had been a different brand. Take note Oceanside Municipal Workers.”
Up next for “The Rappstar” is a chance to avenge last year’s loss to (women’s) winner and (women’s) course record holder Meredith Kessler in St. George! Looking ahead, the fearless father of three said, “Now is the time to move in a generally onwards and generally upwards direction!” If you don’t think that is a powerful statement designed to intimidate the field in St. George, you probably aren’t very much good at the English.
3 thoughts on “FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE TO WORLDWIDE MEDIA! Re: Ironman 70.3 California 2014”
Much speed! So power!
Hey, we know what you really can do, so no worries. 🙂 What do you think you did wrong or need to work on?
Its all clear now, thank you Jordan. My 8 minute miles this morning was due to that slow gravel. I am so pleased to be able to tap into your enormous knowledge base. thank you.